It is 23 December and as always my stress levels are skyrocketing, even though this year I am not am not doing anything more stressful than getting on a couple of trains to Germany and there to meet my partner – though he knows nothing of this!
The stress levels started when I lost my pen this afternoon. Not a great loss, I love pens and have more than I could ever need, but my Lamy Unic is one of those pens imbued with meaning. I it bought it many years ago in Aachen, when I was young enough to go exploring, it was an impulse buy. The pen has inadvertently followed me on my travels from London, to Southampton, to Swindon; occasionally I thought it was lost, on other occasions I had forgotten about it, recently we became acquainted again.
It is only a pen, but I have given it meaning.
A few years ago, again at Christmas, I visited my brother in Southampton, I had that given him a photograph of our mother on her wedding day – we have few family photographs – and this one was hand painted as was the style in the 40’s. The only other copy I had seen was at my Aunts, with my Dad torn out of the picture, this was the only complete copy. To say it was sacred to me is an understatement, it is more than sacred, I have given it meaning and power. The picture was given to my elder brother under the understanding that it was to be kept in the frame and almost venerated. I had given the picture meaning and power.
On the visit my brother got the picture out (of the frame) to which I was not particularly happy about, and then spilled coffee on it. I had to leave, my Partner had to endure a two-hour drive of me wailing and cursing, I don’t think we have spoken since, I cannot find the words to say.
It is stupid, and very soon I need to rectify this stupidity, but I imbued the picture with that much meaning, and like the pen, it was something deeper that was being torn apart.
Adding to the stress I had my phone stolen last week. It was weird, I had just come from Counselling and reacted as I should, I identified that the reason why the child wailing across the street as I went to report it was grating so much was because he was echoing where I was. I was a child who had his toy taken away, I was reacting in a basic hurt mode. A week has passed and I am not too bothered about the phone being stolen, but I changed from an iPhone to a Galaxy S3, I am now stressing learning another phone. I am fighting my instincts to hold the phone a certain way, to dial a number in certain sequence. I am scared at my inability to adapt to different technology.
So my stress levels are pretty higher (and will be higher if I can’t get music to play whilst I am travelling) and will get higher – but on Christmas Day, around Noon, I will be in the embrace of my partner and in the warmth of his family, and all will be well!
Whilst all this fairly trivial I need to address the fundamental point, nothing is actually important, it is only the meanings that I ascribe to it